Grudge & Pain ~ chapter 1

‘Get up! You’re going to be late.’ Mom’s voice was as shrill as the alarm bell that went off two seconds after she barged into her room. Fariha sat up in her bed, groggy.

‘Thanks, what would I ever do without you mother dear,’ she muttered. Mom was busy looking for clothes in her closet.

‘What?’ Mom turned around, a pair of grubby jeans in her hands.

‘Nothing. I’m up and I’ll pick my clothes out myself Mom, you go look after Nauhil.’

‘Fine but don’t wear these. They aren’t even fit to clean the floor with. I don’t know why you are so averse to dressing up like a human being.’ She threw the jeans in a corner and went out, screaming after Nauhil to get dressed already.

Mom had left the door open. She hated that but no amount of asking, shouting, slamming the door shut could make her mother understand that it irritated her. Fariha was sure she did it on purpose so she tried not to react anymore but it still aggravated her. Open doors just made her…doors should remain shut if no one’s coming in or going out. There is no point in leaving them open just like that, without any reason.

It took her mere 5 minutes to get ready and 15 minutes to get downstairs. After pulling out an oversize t-shirt and wrinkled tights from a messy closet, she had to spend 10 minutes trying to restore some order to her room that Mom had wreaked havoc in while trying to dig out a ‘suitable’ outfit. This was routine; Mom conveniently forgot Fariha didn’t own a shred of clothing that she would approve of and after throwing clothes around everywhere she left Fariha to clean up the mess.

By the time she descended, Nauhil had been forced into his uniform and was nibbling on his toast moodily. He was the most quiet and lovable kid in the world but was far from a morning person.

‘Mom, where are my drawing board and brushes?’

‘How am I supposed to know?’ She expected this answer but it still made her angry.

‘Because you took them yesterday! Remember, you came to me saying you had an artistic streak and took them away?’

‘I don’t recall anything.’ she replied, not bothered in the least. Fariha took a deep breath. Her mother was so exhausting at times.

‘Mom please, I need them now, I’m already late!’

‘Find them yourself Fariha you are not a child any…’ she stopped short when she saw Nauhil emerging from her room, Fariha’s drawing board and brushes in his hand. She had to exercise a lot of self control to keep her from glaring at Mom who had turned away without saying anything. Instead she kissed Nauhil, only to let him push her away and ran out where Minahil was waiting for her in her car.

‘Hey, have you been waiting long?’

‘No, a few seconds. Done with the assignments?’ Fariha nodded and kept her things in the back seat.

‘For God’s sake Fariha, get a new wardrobe! Why do you wear these rags?’ Minahil raged. Fariha sighed and nodded, suppressing her laughter.

‘Once we’re done with all the assignments, I will go shopping promise.’ Minahil just rolled her eyes and drove on. In some ways, she was just like Mom. She didn’t say it out loud because it would only piss her off more. Minahil never said it but Fariha knew she didn’t like her mother. She thought of her as an irresponsible woman who wasn’t doing a good job of bringing up her kids. Fariha never tried to contradict her because deep down she knew Minahil was right in thinking so. What Minahil didn’t realise though, was that when the ship is surrounded by sharks, you just scream and paddle on whichever way makes sense to you, without thinking and that was exactly what Mom was doing. Even if there was a logical way out, Mom would never take it because she was too impatient and reckless. A failed marriage and two kids had taught her nothing. No matter how much she loved her, Fariha wasn’t blind to her faults.

There was no time to dwell on her mother’s faults, though. The rest of the day was occupied with classes and projects and by the time Minahil dropped her home, Fariha was ready to crash in her bed. But as she unlocked the door, her sleep evaporated. There was a letter. She felt her heart would stop as she opened it. It was another court notice.

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The Thin Line

Whatever he told her, all his reproaches, moral sermons amounted to nothing. They held no value for her. Nothing he said could conquer her rage, her hate that she felt towards her father. He thought she was unreasonable, that she was a soul possessed, that she was not being her rational self. Ha! How easy for him to pass judgements on her state of mind. What did he know of her suffering? He, who lived in a cocoon of illusion, protected by his dreams and hopes that were kept alive by their father, a man who had never wanted them, who saw them as an obstacle till they started to move on without him. That was what made him come back. He couldn’t bear that he wasn’t important to them anymore. And Ayyan was the first one to fall in his trap. How could he ever know the state of misery she lived in? The reality he lived in now could afford him to preach and stick to ‘morals’.

Mama followed Ayyan and Samar would have followed too had she not heard their conversation that day and everything that happened afterwards. It wasn’t her he had come back for, the old, frail woman who was stripped off her beauty and youth while raising her children alone. Yes, she had made mistakes. She had failed to support her children at times they needed her most. But she was there. Unlike Aba who left when he thought things could never improve. He said he had given up on her but what about them? Clearly he had given up on them as well. His own children had become hopeless for him. Mama never left though. She was always there. Even if it was in a dark corner, where she covered, scared of light, powder all around her.

‘You haven’t changed one bit.’ She had heard her father’s contemptuous voice floating out of the half open door. ‘Look at yourself in the mirror! Look at what you’ve become.’

‘I can’t. I don't want to.’ Mama’s voice was choked with tears.

‘Don't you pity anyone other than yourself? How can you be so selfish?’

‘I tried, Ahmed, I tried so hard to change. For you, for the children but I can’t. I’m so tired. Please, I’m begging you. Please, as a last favour to me.’ she pictured Mama on her knees while her father backed away.

‘Don't expect anything from me. I regret coming back at all.’

‘No Ahmed, please. Look at me, have some mercy! Please I’m begging you.’ She couldn’t hear anymore. Mama had a fit that night. They took her to the hospital but she was stable quite soon and came back the next day. Aba stayed, albeit grudgingly. She looked cheerful and so Samar decided to forget what she had heard.

Two days later, Mama was gone. They said it was an overdose but...Mama didn’t take those pills anymore. She had quit long time ago, Samar was sure. Mama would never lie to her, especially when she knew how much it distressed her. Or would she?

She drove on, overtaking a lorry and ignoring the honking that followed and pushed the accelerator harder in anticipation of seeing the man society called her father. She couldn’t forgive him. Not after that night. He had to pay for what he had done. He had to pay for stealing her mother away from her.

‘You’ve lost your mind,’ Ayyan had said when she told him the truth. ‘You don't know anything.’ Her tears stopped flowing and she threw a vase in his face. His most beloved vase. That gave her some satisfaction.

‘You are wasting your life in your hatred!’ he yelled, wiping blood off his forehead. ‘Just sit down here and listen to me please.’

‘You listen to yourself. Listen to your own excuses, you sound pathetic!’ she pitied him. Her hate had cleared her head while his love has deluded him.

She could see his mansion now. They had lived in a three room apartment all their life while he strutted around in his palace. After taking a few deep breaths, she reconsidered her plan. But her mother’s picture on the dashboard, her beautiful smile steeled her resolve. The gun was in the glove compartment and her hand didn’t shake as she held it in her hand.

‘You?’ he was shocked. And drunk, she thought with disgust.

‘Who were you expecting?’ she spat. He shuddered at her tone and staggered toward the sofa.

‘She is no more.’ His eyes, already red, started leaking.

‘You don't have to inform me. I know, I was there. I saw her and I heard her!’ she yelled. He looked up at her in shock and then broke down, reminding her of her mother’s tears as she begged him to...to do what? She shook her head, pushing the question out of her mind. It didn’t matter, he was a pretentious snob who had taken her mother’s life.

‘I see you have a gun in your hand.’

‘It’s fated for you.’ She said as savagely as she could but he didn’t give a reaction. He didn’t even try to stop his tears. That was when she realised it was grief that deranged him, not alcohol.

‘It was hers. She loved it. I told her not to buy it but she wanted one so badly. Said it made her feel safe. Happy.’ He smiled at the memory. But it dissolved in a moment. ‘Just like that first syringe. My fault, all my fault.’ he was blabbering now. ‘I should have known since the beginning but I never tried to see the symptoms. I shut my eyes and let her ruin herself.’ Samar wanted to tell him to stop talking. She didn’t want to know that but she stood there, dumb.

She remembered once when she was around 10, Aba had taken her and Ayyan to a fun fair. Mama wasn’t feeling well and said she wanted to stay home. When they came back in the evening, the house was dark with Mama nowhere to be seen. After looking around the house for 10 minutes, Aba found her hidden in a closet. She was unconscious and her nose was bleeding. She had to be taken in emergency. When she came back home after a week, Aba wanted her to go to rehab but she promised she would quit. Get better on her own. She didn’t want to be away from her children or from him.

Mama stood by her word for a few weeks but couldn’t any longer. Their house became hell that night. Samar had never heard Aba speak so loudly. She was crying into her pillow when he came inside and told her they were going away.  

‘Where?’ she had squeaked.

‘A good place.’

‘Will Mama be fine there?’

‘She is not going.’ His curt reply prompted more tears. Noisy tears.

‘I don't want to go without Mama.’

‘Baby she will come in a few days. I promise. If we don't go, she will never come to us.’

They were at the door when the police arrived. Aba was arrested for taking the children away forcefully. He never came back.

Sometimes she would think about that night and thought if life would have been any different if Aba really had taken them away? Would Mama had really come to them, baggage free?

‘Now she is gone. She begged me to end her pain and I screamed at her. How could she do this to me? Was this why she called me back?’ she was brought back to the present by his incessant ranting and crying. He was in a pathetic state. She was starting to feel pity for him.

‘When I first saw her...she drove me crazy. Till the end of her life, she drove me crazy. Wanted everything on her own terms, well THAT DOESN’T HAPPEN!’ He started crying loudly again. ‘For the first time, I tried to stop her. And she...’ Samar stared at him as she remembered her mother had once told her that there is a thin line between hatred and love. She realised she had just crossed the border. Her father stood up and faced her.

‘WHY ARE YOU STANDING THERE? WHY DON’T YOU SHOOT?’ her mother had demanded the same of him. And his refusal had not resulted the way he wished it would. Could she live with this guilt all her life? If he took the same decision as her mother, she would end up guilty either way. Her hand twitched. The pistol hung in mid air.

This short story was published in Mag the Weekly issue of Oct 22-28, 2016

Email: farwa.rants@gmail.com

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You can also read my blogs at https://myfrequentranting.wordpress.com/ 

Old Tactics Losing Control

The Islamic Republic of Pakistan's honourary government banned Twitter for around 8 hours due to 'blasphemous content' being published by some people (who may be Twitter's out-of-bounds children, the way our authorities were trying to make it control those unnamed individuals). Funnily many tweet-a-holics didn't have a clue about any blasphemous competition going on on twitter till the government imposed the ban and announced the reason. Not surprisingly, after the uproar the ban caused, the micro-blogging site was back on. A real in-your-face moment that must have been for the IT minister (who, btw, has been trending in Pakistan alongside #TwitterBan, a short while after the ban was imposed).

But anyway, that's not the point. The point is what happened at the end of the day? People across Pakistan tweeted against the ban and condemned the authorities for being so dumb and stupid (again). If there's one thing Pakistani government can do best it is to help people find illegal ways to do extremely normal things by imposing a ban on them. A few years ago it was Facebook, banned for the same reason. Few hours after howling in pain and experiencing withdrawal symptoms, almost everyone was back on the site, uploading pictures, updating statuses and all the other useless and harmless things we do on Facebook, using alternate proxies. I really wanted to stick my tongue out at the Muslim government whose interior minister doesn't even know how to recite a basic Surah from the Holy Quran. But that is not blasphemous. Nope. Because it's a Muslim who's reciting his holy book wrong, not a Christian or Hindu or other such things. Interestingly, no other Muslim country expressed its outrage the same way. 

Social networking and blogging websites are the biggest platform for anyone to promote what they believe in. These sites help people communicate and unite under the flag of their similarities. For a country like ours, which lacks this very element, these websites can be a great platform for us to start and promote positive movements and emotions, only if our dear government let us. These sites are where we can share whatever's on our mind without caring about any damned authority. Why does this Muslim government of ours fail to notice the hundreds and thousands of pages on Facebook promoting Islam and its teachings in the most peaceful and tolerant way than any of our mullahs and preachers? If we want to condemn the sites for what blasphemous content posted by individuals, we should applaud them for holy and positive content posted by its users as well. Don't they deserve it? 

My message to the Pakistani government: it'll do us and you more good if you try to solve the violent war that is going on between religious sects in the country. You see, because in these not-so-online wars, people are actually dying with all the sensitive feelings they have for religion. And they can't even condemn you for it.

My Random Quotes ;)

These are some random entries in my diary which I came across today as I was flipping through it. There's no background to most of them, I just wrote the stuff because it was in my mind for some reason even I can't fathom.

8th February, 2012,

When I'm gone, there will be someone else, ready to take over my position. 

24th February, 2012,

While the future remains murky, the past seems insignificant, it's the present which seems important. So much so that sometimes we tend to magnify its importance. When those events become our past, we realise how little value they held and how magnified our reaction really was. 

6th March 2012,

We try to be rational by looking for answers to everything. What we don't understand is that sometimes things happen without a reason, they don't hold an answer. Or sometimes, the time simply isn't right for us to get the answers we want. When we don't get what we want, we react. We get angry, depressed, frustrated etc. and act in ways which doesn't really coincide with our self-imposed rationality. Thus forcing rationality on ourselves leads us to severe irrationality. Something we won't be if we wouldn't try to be rational. 

Later on the same day when I was upset and tired for some reason. I probably didn't have a pen back then because the entry says that I saved this in my phone and copied it later o_0 :

What happens when you work so hard for something, you strain yourself completely and nothing happens. It all goes unnoticed. I've learnt to NEVER make a big deal out of anything because in the end it really doesn't matter.

(I was probably listening to Linkin Park at the time, I'm guessing because of the last line. And it's all just talk, I didn't really learn the lesson I said I did :P)

5th April, 2012,

You only have problems till think you have problems. Otherwise it's just normal life, in a different disguise for everyone.

4th May, 2012,

Sometimes you just want to be wrong so you can prove yourself right.

I wrote them all as they came, without arranging or rearranging anything and I haven't edited anything even as I copied them here. So forgive any errors. Just thought I'd share them on my blog.