New Year's Resolution

For the last few years, all I say at the end is, I hope the next year is better than this one. But I never really try to make it better. My laziness takes over and whenever I try to put my 'resolutions' into action, the thought that I have a whole year to achieve my goals holds me back. But I've finally realised (however late), that a 'whole' year is never long enough. However, it is still a phase of life and has its effects, whether you make an effort or not.

So what did 2011 do to me? This question is confusing. So much happened and yet everything seems the same. I understood a lot about myself, but I didn't change. I realised a lot about my surroundings but that didn't stop me from doing what I wanted to do. How will all these changes, which have led to nothing, affect the 21st year of my life? All these questions need reflecting and this is one thing that I haven't been able to do and still am not. If anything has changed in the past year, it is my level of activity. With almost no time for myself, I have been unable to think straight about anything. As time is ticking by, I'm getting stuck up in life and can't see any way out. It's all a bit surprising if you sit and think about it; with all that has been going on around me, with everything that I (and all Pakistanis for that matter), have seen in the past year, one would have thought that we'd feel compassionate enough to sit back and wallow in the bitterness of what we've went through for a while, if not for long. But sadly, none of this sort happened.

Some would say it's a good sign. We've moved on with life despite all that many of us have gone through. It is true; life does move on and no matter how much you loose, you have to keep living till your heart is pumping blood in your arteries. There's no escaping life. Better live it with a smile instead of immersing in sorrow. But I don't think brave face is the case any more. If I speak for myself, after hearing so much bad news, after watching so much violence and death around me, I have kind of become immune to the severity and dreadfulness of it all. I do feel sad but it's for moments and then I 'move on'. Few incidents have the ability to shock me now, to make me realise the magnitude of what has happened. In short, the feeling of sorrow isn't new to me any more. It is happiness that is rare.

This year I hope the situation turns opposite. With all my heart I wish, the bleak atmosphere of my homeland brightens up. The feeling of compassion, of love comes back to me and happiness takes over. A bit too optimistic? I don't think so, especially when I hope that it is me who makes an effort to bring back the old smiles back to at least a few faces around me. I hope I actually try to bring the change I want to see.

Myself ;)

This blog post is not like the others. It's not about any political or social issue. This time it's about me. I felt like venting my thoughts and here they are, all jumbled up. Like I said, I write all the time, no matter how trivial, stupid or personal it is.

People are right when they say exposure is important to understand the world and yourself. Interning has taught me many things; like bearing people you absolutely hate, with a nice, big smile, being responsible and attentive, to depend on no one but yourself. Most of all though, it has improved my understanding about myself. I've gotten to know myself, and have, however unpleasantly, learnt to place myself correctly, something I never did before. I think that's because I've lived in a really sheltered world, everywhere I have someone I can depend upon, and I chickened out of places where I couldn't find such people, I always had replacements for people who left me. This is the first time I am at a place where I don't have anyone I can depend upon and I can't leave this time either, I've got to stay here for my own sake.

For a person who is as pampered as me, it's hard to come to terms with the truest form of independence and responsibility that comes with it. I never knew I was so reluctant towards change and being responsible. All my life I've seen my mother work and manage the house like a perfect housewife at the same time and I never really appreciated the effort that was involved in it. That doesn't mean I didn't appreciate her or I underestimated her. I've always looked up to her as a role-model but I suppose mostly, I valued her just like anyone else would value their mother. Now I have to go through the same routine, I completely understand how she must feel when she gets home and realises she has to do a bunch of other chores. Even though I don't do anything once I get home, I feel so tired that I convince myself that I can't move an inch of my muscles. And it is at moments like these that I realise I'm still not ready for practical life, I can't face what lies ahead of me.

Despite all these unpleasant realisations, I don't regret coming here. Better learn my lesson on my own instead of letting other people shake me awake later. I've got a lot to do to get over all my seemingly minor issues, but this can be the first step :)

Are We Ready?

Ok so let's say Imran Khan takes over the government and work towards bringing the change he promises he'll bring. How much will the masses of Pakistan help him to get there? They might vote for him, sure, but what about later? Are we ready to face, to accept the change that might come with Imran Khan? Are we really ready to live in a Pakistan that is England in disguise? Because to build and live in that Pakistan we'll need to change our lifestyles to match that of the English. We'll need to obey the traffic lights, we'll need to stop spitting 'paan' on the walls and the roads, we'll need to hold our rubbish till we find a dustbin. We'll need to respect other people's privacy and peace of mind by not smoking in their faces, stop playing loud music. Can we do all that?

Electing him as our leader will be the easy part, living with his policies...I'm not sure. Our nation is used to living under corrupt politicians and a strict leader like Imran Khan (his past records prove him to autocratic), will not be appealing to us. We are used to abusing authorities, whether they deserved it or not is the question right now. I don't think our nation is ready to get over the hatred, the racism that is gripping our society. We are not ready to feel proud in working hard, being punctual, thinking of everyone as equal. No matter how much we try, we can not hide from the fact that our nation does not like to live in peace, harmony and unity. Where rule breaking is an attribute, being late is a quality, stealing from other a habit, how can it be possible for such people live in an atmosphere where they can't do all this? How many of us say 'Pakistani' when asked about our nationality? How many people stop if someone tells them to stop littering? How many students avoid cheating when invigilators tell them to? No all these are the practises of 'goras', they should not be adopted by us, the supreme Pakistanis because we are not to follow the West. Using their swear words, buying their brands doesn't count. 

It is time for us to reconsider: electing a leader who will make us listen to him might not suit us. Unless Pakistan's masses are ready to give up their grudges and learn to be rational, like they are expected to be, our nation will not be able excel the we want it to, it won't be Imran Khan's promised Pakistan.

(P.S I know it's absolute rubbish, just bear with me :( thanks.)